Andrea Speaks!
by Kara Wild
Summary: Daria decides to hang out with someone even more alienated than she is. And Quinn and Sandi battle it out in the Fashion Club elections. Written June 1999


"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is **not** an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the fifth fic in my chronology, and the first **true** follow-up to "Rose-Colored Lenses." It follows

  1. "Rose-Colored Lenses," 
  2. "The Tie That Chokes," 
  3. "That Thing You Say," and 
  4. "'Shipped Out."

I'd give this fic a 2S, maybe even a 2.5S. **Gasp**, I thought nothing could be longer than "The Tie That Chokes," but I was wrong!

I tried to keep it short... I really tried............ Enjoy!

**Ten Spot Promo:** Then woman's being chased by some guy in a car. She runs into a forest, falls down near a tape player, and turns it on. Then she gets up and runs away. Weird... and in some way, strangely reminiscent of "Austin Powers." Least **I** think so...

[intro theme music...................]

# ANDREA SPEAKS!

_by_

## Kara Wild

* * *

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1 (_DeMartino's classroom_)

(Shot of him standing in front of the class, lecturing. Among the students, we see Kevin, Brittany, and Andrea seated in the front row, and Daria and Jane seated in their usual spot in the second row, off to the side.)

**DeMARTINO:** (_eye bulging, as always_) President KENNEDY and President REAGAN were two of the most POPular leaders of this CENTURY. (_Bt_) **Class**, do you know what they had in COMMON to make them so??

(_Beat. Brittany raises her hand._)

**DeMARTINO:** **Brittany**??

(_Brittany twirls a lock of hair, wears a typically vacant expression._)

**BRITTANY:** Um... they both had really good hair?

(_Pause_)

**DeMARTINO:** (_looking like he's trying to make a useful point from this_) **Brittany**, you may have **actually** stumbled ON to something. (_Bt_) APPEARANCE made a difference. (_Bt_) Would anyone **else** care to eLABorate on what she **said**??

(Pause. No one volunteers except Kevin, whose waving hand DeMartino ignores. He glances briefly at Andrea, but sees she's not about to respond. Finally his eyes travel over to Our Heroine.)

**DeMARTINO:** **Daria**! Why don't YOU **enlighten** us??

(_Beat. Daria sighs. Starts to speak: _)

**DARIA:** They were both -- (_interrupted by a voice off screen: _)

**MS LI:** **Class**! I have a veeeeeery important announcement!

(_Jane leans toward Daria._)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Saved by the shrill.

(Daria smirks. Meanwhile, Ms. Li's walking into the room and standing in front. DeMartino moves to the side, looking ticked-off at being interrupted.)

**MS LI:** **I** wanted to inform you --

(She stops abruptly as she and we see Andrea get up and walk out of the room without so much as acknowledging her.)

**DARIA:** (_to Jane_) Damn. She just stole my Plan B.

(_Jane smirks in agreement. Ms. Li looks flustered and vaguely outraged ._)

**MS LI:** Well I **never** -- of **all** the rude... (_turns to DeMartino. accusing tone_) **Mr. DeMartino**, is **this** the way you conduct discipline in your class on ciiiiiiiiivic behavior??

**DeMARTINO:** (_through gritted teeth_) I'll destroy her when you're **through**, Ms. Li. (_Bt_) PLEASE, continue.

**MS LI:** Very well. (_Bt_) Students, I'm hear to remiiiiiiiiind you that today is the **due** date for all clubs at Laaaaaaaaaawndale High to turn in their charters. (_Bt_) In fact, while I'm here, let me just take a **few** minutes to enlighten you on the **importance** of student **participation**...

(Her voice fades into the background. Meanwhile, DeMartino's gritting his teeth so hard, they look like they might shatter. Jane leans toward Daria again.)

**JANE:** She couldn't've just made this announcement over the P.A. instead of walking into each and every classroom to give the same speech?

**MS LI:** **Ms.** Lane!

**DARIA:** (_to Jane_) Busted.

(Jane rolls her eyes as Ms. Li comes over and stands in front of her and Daria.)

**MS LI:** Are you making a **mockery** of the way I conduct buuuuusiness at this school??

**JANE:** Of course **not**. (_Bt. shrugs_) Well, no more than usual.

(Daria can't conceal a slight chuckle. Ms. Li picks up on it, glares at her and Jane.)

**MS LI:** (_to Jane_) Perhaps you and Ms. **Morgendorffer** aren't aware that I make my rounds to keep an eye on callous, trouble-making **delinquents** who pose a threat to the sanctity of this **illustrious** institution.

(_Beat. Jane and Daria exchange unfazed "Whatever" glances._)

**MS LI:** (_continuing_) Which brings me back to clubs. Clubs are an **important** means of instilling feelings of pride and commitment to your school. (_Bt. looks at Daria_) Ms. **Morgendorffer**.

(_Daria cocks a wary eyelid._)

**MS LI:** (_continuing_) A young lady with as much brains and talent as yourself ought to be the **beacon** of this establishment. Instead --

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) I'm on a road straight to hell.

**JANE:** And there's **no** going back.

(_Beat. Ms. Li glowers at them._)

**MS LI:** You two think you're very **funny**, don't you?? (_Bt. ominous_) But bewaaaaaare of what you say. (_to Daria_) Especially **you**.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Oh I will, ma' am. And your inspiring words have given me much to think about. Which I'll be happy to do in the bathroom. (_starts to stand up_)

**MS LI:** You plan to leave **now**??!

**DARIA:** (_pausing_) Would you rather I hold it in?

**JANE:** (_to Ms. Li_) I wouldn't risk it if I were you.

(_Beat. Ms. Li rolls her eyes and purses her lips together._)

**MS LI:** **Very** well. (_Bt. turns to DeMartino_) But if she comes back with any **powdery** substances on her person, march her **straight** to my office.

**DeMARTINO:** (_glowering_) **Yes**, ma'am.

(_Ms. Li turns back to face the class. Spies Brittany._)

**MS LI:** (_dripping with pride_) Ahhh, I see we have Laaaaawndale's **head** cheerleader seated before us. (_Bt_) Ms. **Taylor**, why don't you enliiiiiiiighten the students about the benefits of **cheerleading**...?

(Her voice fades into the background. Daria smirks at Jane and walks toward the door.)

**JANE:** (_wry whisper_) **Damn** you!

(_Daria leaves._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_the bathroom_)

(Shot of the door and the stalls. Daria opens the door and walks in. Immediately she's stricken by the acrid smell of smoke coming from the middle stall, which causes her to freeze and wrinkle her nose. She coughs a couple of times, then waves a hand rapidly to disperse the odor. Finally she makes her way past the stalls, shaking her head in a "Let me **guess**" manner.)

(Cut to shot of the mirror and sinks. Daria walks up to one of the sinks, stands before it. She does nothing for several seconds, then finally checks her watch. She doesn't **really** have to use the bathroom -- it was just an excuse, and now she's wondering how long she should stall. She eventually reaches over and turns on a faucet in the sink. Washes her hands.)

(During this time, we hear the faint sound of a stall door opening and closing. Daria finishes washing her hands, pauses, and then decides to wash her face. cut to close-up of Daria. She removes her glasses, leans over and splashes some water on her face. Reaches for a paper towel, wipes her face dry. Puts on her glasses, then cringes with surprise. resume wide shot. We see Andrea standing behind her, leaning against the wall. Every so often, she lifts a cigarette to her mouth and takes a puff. She's staring at Daria. Meanwhile, Daria is staring into the mirror back at her, trying not to seem too unnerved.)

**DARIA:** Um... hi.

(_long Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Oops -- I've said too much.

(She glances at Andrea, waiting for a response. When she doesn't get any, so as not to seem like she's been frightened off, Daria decides to wash her hands **again**. As she does so, she keeps glancing through the mirror at Andrea, who's **still** staring at her. Finally Daria dries off her hands on her jacket and turns to leave.)

**DARIA:** Um... the sink's all yours.

(long Pause. Then Andrea shrugs a shoulder. Daria heads toward the door, a puzzled look on her face.)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Nice talking to **you**, too.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Quinn's math class, a short time later that day_)

(We hear Ms. Li's off screen voice-over. Close-up shot of Quinn sitting at her desk. Her head is balanced on one hand, and she's rolling her eyes, looking supremely bored. cut to wide shot. Quinn is sitting toward the front of the room, while Stacy sits not too far behind her, and Sandi and Tiffany sit in the back. [They're all together -- how convenient.] Meanwhile, Ms. Li's wrapping up a drawn-out lecture about clubs. Mr. Phelps, Quinn's balding, fifty-something year-old teacher, stands off to one side. He looks resigned and impatient, and now and then checks his watch. Suddenly we hear the bell ring.)

**MS LI:** Oh goodness! (_glances at the clock_) I'm sorry, students -- I have to go. I have many, **many** more classes to inter-- I mean **visit**. Carry on. (_leaves quickly_)

**PHELPS:** Yes, thank you, Ms. Li. (_wipes his forehead. turns to the class._) Class, before you go, please wait until I've passed back your tests.

(_Quinn rolls her eyes._)

**QUINN:** **Great**. (_Pause. sees Stacy approaching her._) God, I thought she'd **never** shut up.

**STACY:** (_subservient as always_) Me neither. But at least we got to skip the entire lesson.

(_Quinn stands up, takes her backpack._)

**QUINN:** (_blasé_) **Hmph**, yeah.

**STACY:** I just flipped through a magazine while she was talking. What d' you do?

**QUINN:** (_exasperated_) I couldn't do **anything**! I was too **close**.

**STACY:** (_nodding_) Yeah. (_Bt. sympathetic_) It's too bad you're stuck up front. But maybe now that Louise is no longer here to give fashion tips to, Mr. Phelps'll let you move to the back again.

(_Beat. Quinn suddenly looks unnerved at the thought._)

**QUINN:** Oh, well, um **yes**, maybe he **will**, but...

(_Just then, Phelps comes by and hands Stacy and Quinn back their tests._)

**PHELPS:** Nice job, Ms. Morgendorffer. (_leaves_)

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** Huh? (_looks at the test_)

(_Stacy quickly hides her test and also looks at Quinn's. Her face brightens._)

**STACY:** Wow, Quinn! You got a ninety-six!

**QUINN:** **Agh**!

(She drops the paper as if it were laced with poison. Then she quickly kneels down, picks it up, and shoves it into her backpack. Stands up and looks around frantically, hoping no one else overheard what Phelps said. Unfortunately, Sandi and Tiffany are approaching, Sandi smirking wickedly.)

**QUINN:** (_weakly_) It was just luck. I copied off a **really** smart nerd that day.

**SANDI:** You sure **you're** not the nerd, Quinn? Why **else** would you sit at the front of the room??

(_Quinn chuckles nervously._)

**QUINN:** (_trying to make light of it_) **Sandi**, haven't I explained it to you before?? I **sacrificed** my place in the back to help the **less** fortunate. (_Bt. voice rises, takes on a faux noble tone_) And even though Louise is **gone**, there are still so many, many I can reach out to.

**STACY:** (_idolizing_) You're so giving, Quinn.

**QUINN:** (_smirking_) Thanks.

(Beat. Sandi looks pouty -- she doesn't like in when Quinn receives compliments.)

**SANDI:** (_haughty. faux noble_) Gee, if **Quinn's** such a good **fashion** advisor, maybe **she** should be president of the Fashion Club.

**QUINN:** (_flinging a hand at her. faux humble_) Oh **no**, Sandi, I could never take **your** place. Perish the thought. (_Bt_) Now let's get out of here -- this room gives me the creeps.

(They leave. cut to shot of the door as seen from the hallway. All of the F.C.'s walk through into the hall. Sandi hesitates a little. We see she's holding a cream-colored sheet of paper.)

**SANDI:** You guys go. I'll catch up with you later.

**TIFFANY & STACY:** Why? / Where're you going?

(_Quinn looks at the paper._)

**QUINN:** What is **that**?

**SANDI:** (_trying to act nonchalant_) Oh, it's just our club **charter**. I gotta take it to the principal's office.

**TIFFANY:** **Cool**.

**STACY:** Can we **see** it??

(_Sandi holds the paper close to her chest. Looks even more hesitant ._)

**SANDI:** Oh, you wouldn't **want** to. It's kind of **boring** and legal --

(_Quinn reaches over and snatches it away._)

**QUINN:** Here, let **me** see.

**SANDI:** Hey!

(Quinn skims over the paper, humming a little to herself. long Pause. Stacy and Tiffany glances at Sandi, bewildered. Sandi looks irritated and impatient. Finally Quinn raises her head, smirks with satisfaction.)

**QUINN:** Hmm, it says **here** that the Fashion Club is s'posed to hold annual **elections**.

(_Pause. Now Stacy and Tiffany looks at Sandi with expressions of shock._)

**STACY:** **Elections**??

**TIFFANY:** (_slightly peeved_) You **said** officers were chosen based on the will of the **president**.

**SANDI:** (_uneasy. trying to make excuses_) Oh, well, um, that was under the **old** charter.

(_Beat. Quinn's smirk has grown wicked and calculating._)

**QUINN:** Well now that we have a **new** charter, maybe we ought to, like, **observe** the new rules.

**SANDI:** (_vague outrage_) You mean **hold** elections??

**QUINN:** (_faux nonchalant_) Yeah. I mean, unless **you** don't want to, Sandi.

**SANDI:** (_ticked_) **Why** should I not **want** to??

**QUINN:** Oh. No reason. (_eyes trail away_)

(_Pause_)

**SANDI:** Are you **saying** I'm afraid I won't get elected **president**??

**QUINN:** (_faux innocent_) Did I **sound** like I said that, Sandi?

(Sandi doesn't answer, but instead gets in Quinn's face. Quinn glares back at her.

**SANDI:** (_through gritted teeth_) **Very** well: we'll hold **elections**. And just to show how **not** worried I am, I'll **even** let you run **against** me. How does **that** sound??

**QUINN:** (_also through gritted teeth_) **Great**. We'll probably all elect each other to the same offices, anyway.

(They continue to glare at each other like predators. Stacy and Tiffany exchange "This could be **good**" glances.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Daria and Jane's lockers_)

(_Shot of Daria leaning against hers, while Jane fiddles around in hers._)

**DARIA:** I'm still a little creeped-out.

(_Jane shuts her locker._)

**JANE:** Don't be --you just had an "Andrea encounter," that's all.

(_Beat. Daria looks at her, stunned._)

**DARIA:** There's a **term** for it??

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Sort of. (_Bt_) It happens every so often, like blue moons or crop circles. Happened to me in fifth grade.

**DARIA:** Why? What d' you **do** to her?

**JANE:** Dunno. Maybe asked to borrow her pencil. (_Bt_) What d' **you** do?

(_Daria shakes her head._)

**DARIA:** **Nothing**. We never talk. (_Pause. frowns, remembering._) Although there **was** that time we exchanged glasses. [*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"

**JANE:** Maybe she thinks it's brought you closer together.

(_Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid, annoyed._)

**JANE:** Hey, it's **Andrea** we're talking about!

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** True. (_Bt. thoughtful_) It's kind of funny we know nothing about her.

**JANE:** **No** one knows anything about Andrea. She's totally closed off in her sadistic little world.

(Pause. Daria glances at Jane, a bit surprised she'd use a strong word like "sadistic" about someone they don't know, even playfully.)

**DARIA:** Aren't you even a little **curious**?

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Maybe once I was. But I've learned to let go.

**DARIA:** I don't know... I'd kind of like to talk with her sometime. Maybe about poetry -- she writes some pretty intense, dark stuff.

(_Jane smirks wickedly._)

**JANE:** Ah yes, I can see it now: Daria and Andrea, two **fiendish** minds coming together to create the most twisted, socially anarchistic poetry mankind has ever known.

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_peevish_) I just want to **talk** with her -- not subvert the world order.

**JANE:** Not yet, anyway.

(_Pause. Daria glares at her._)

**JANE:** **What**??

(Daria shakes her head, directs her eyes off screen. Suddenly she sees something and cringes. cut to her POV: Andrea's standing a distance away, in the middle of the hall, staring **right** at her. She then slowly turns and walks away. cut to close-up of Daria. She runs a hand through her hair, rattled.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_walking home_)

(Shot of Daria walking home, slumped forward and lost in thought. Her gaze is directed downward. Suddenly she notices that her shadow seems to be a bit long. She shudders, and quickly turns to look behind her. There's no one there. Daria sighs with relief and keeps on walking. A short time later, she notices a shadow with a spiky top coming from the side. Looks again, sees that it's **not** Andrea -- it's a spiky bush. Daria closes her eyes and groans. fade-out.)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Morgendorffer house, evening_)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner. Quinn's in high spirits, and is telling the family, especially Helen, about her life's recent developments. Daria's poking at her food, looking half-contemplative, half-annoyed at Quinn. Jake's oblivious, as usual. Helen is listening intently to Quinn and wearing a proud "my little protégé" expression.)

QUINN: ... So we're holding them at the end of next week so, like, Stacy and Tiffany can know their options. Real democratic-like.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Like China.

(Helen and Quinn ignore Daria's comment. Helen is still absorbed in what Quinn just said.)

**HELEN:** So sweetie, what do you plan to **do** for this election? (_crooning_) Any campaign strategies Mom can help out with?

**QUINN:** Oh, that won't be nec--

**HELEN:** You know, I remember when **I** was running for school secretary against that conniving **bitch**, Laura Winters --

(Quinn rolls her eyes. Daria smirks a little. Jake looks up from his food, a bit bewildered.)

**HELEN:** (_ranting_) -- I had that **damn** election in the bag until **she** started spreading rumors about me streaking naked through the quad. **Dammit**, it was **one** time --!

**QUINN:** Mo-om!!!

**JAKE:** Honey, I think... (_gestures at Quinn_)

**HELEN:** Oh. (_looks chastened, then cocks an annoyed eyebrow at Jake._)

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** We're not gonna have a stupid **campaign** -- Stacy and Tiffany already **know** who we are.

**DARIA:** But do they **want** to know?

**QUINN:** (_ignoring Daria. continuing_) Instead, we've decided to square off in a forum that reflects our true abilities.

**DARIA:** You mean pull some sucker off the street and see who can give her the better makeover?

**QUINN:** (_rolling her eyes_) **Puh-leeese**! If Sandi and I didn't have impeccable fashion sense, we wouldn't be **in** the Fashion Club. (_Bt_) I'm talking **leadership** abilities, Daria! Deep stuff.

**DARIA:** Ooh, I get it. Pass this girl the Nobel Peace Prize.

(Beat. This time Helen looks at Daria with a slightly peevish expression. Turns to Quinn.)

**HELEN:** Well, Quinn, I think it's **fabulous** to see you so involved in your club. (_looks at Daria_) You know, Daria, it wouldn't hurt **you** to get more involved --

**DARIA:** (_rolling her eyes_) Are we **having** this conversation?

**HELEN:** Now come **on**, I'm sure there are **plenty** of --

**DARIA:** Because if so, I think my time could be better spent elsewhere. Like up in my room.

(_Helen groans._)

**HELEN:** All **right**, all right.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_peevish_) Don't feel **too** bad, Mom. (_Bt_) It would take a **bomb** blast in her room to get **Loser-girl** out in public.

**HELEN & JAKE:** (_warning_) **Quinn**.

**QUINN:** (_ignoring them. to Daria_) You're always sitting around, all **mopey** with your head in a dumb book. Why d'you have to **be** like that??

**DARIA:** Yes, why? When I could be a pampered socialite whose life is a sham.

**QUINN:** (_frowning_) What're you **talking** about??

**DARIA:** You know. (_cocks an eyelid_)

(Pause. For a moment the animation drains from Quinn's face. Then she frowns defiantly. Meanwhile, Helen and Jake are glancing at each other, seeing that the conversation is getting slightly out of hand.)

**HELEN:** (_pacifying_) Now, Quinn, you're sister is **not** a loser just because she chooses to avoid school activities. (_Bt. looks at Daria_) I'm sure she has **plenty** going on in her life.

**JAKE:** Yeah, kiddo! How's your day been?

**DARIA:** Glad someone finally asked. (_Bt_) Same old, same old.

**HELEN & JAKE:** Oh. (_the animation fades a bit from their faces_)

(_Beat. Daria cocks and eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Although there **is** this girl I want to get to know.

**HELEN:** (_face brightening_) A **girl**??

**JAKE:** (_excited_) What's her **name**??

**DARIA:** Andrea.

**QUINN:** That **freaky** girl?!

**HELEN & JAKE:** **Huh**?? (_look at Daria_)

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn. defensive_) Hey, she's no freakier than the fashion victims you call **friends**.

(_Quinn's eyes narrow._)

**HELEN:** (_straining to sound nonchalant_) Um, so who **is** this girl, Daria?

**QUINN:** She belongs to a cult that **blows** up schools!

**HELEN & JAKE:** **What**??!!

(_Daria heaves a **big** sigh._)

**DARIA:** **No**. She **doesn't**. (_Bt_) Andrea's a Goth chick, but she's not into that stuff. (_Bt_) Least I don't think.... [*] see postscript

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_again trying to sound nonchalant_) Well, um, what does **Jane** think of her?

(_Daria shrugs._)

**DARIA:** She's not really Jane's type. (_Bt. slightly defensive_) Besides, why should **Jane** have to check up on the people I meet?

**HELEN:** Oh no, sweetie, I didn't mean it like that...

(_Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Anyway, we haven't exactly bonded over blood and gore video games. (_Bt. thoughtful_) I haven't even talked to her, yet...

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 7 (_school, a few days later_)

(Shot of outside. cut to close-up shot of Daria fiddling around in her locker. As she shuts her locker door, she feels an unnerving presence. Turns around. cut to her POV -- Andrea's standing a distance away from her, staring. She then turns and walks away. resume close-up of Daria. She sighs a resolute sigh and cocks an eyelid.)

(Cut to shot of Andrea pausing to pull out a cigarette. She then reaches into her other pocket for a lighter. We suddenly see Daria walking up and standing across from her.)

**DARIA:** Um, hi.

(_Pause. Andrea looks at her with an impassive expression._)

**DARIA:** (_uncomfortable. hesitant_) I was just wondering... (_Pause. rolls her eyes. sighs. flings her hands._) **Forget** it. Never mind.

(She turns and walks away a short distance. Pause. Andrea watches her, then: )

**ANDREA:** (_quiet. expressionless_) What d' you want?

(_Daria stops, startled. She slowly turns around and walks back over to her._)

**DARIA:** I... was... (_shakes her head. spits it out._) I notice you've been watching me the past few days.

(_Pause. Then Andrea shrugs a shoulder._)

**DARIA:** (_uncomfortable_) Um... any special reason?

(_Pause. Then Andrea shrugs both shoulders._)

**ANDREA:** Just felt like it.

(_Pause. Now Daria's blushing, she's so uncomfortable._)

**DARIA:** Could you be more **specific**?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** It's fun.

(_Pause. Now Daria is glaring._)

**DARIA:** **Fun**??

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) You're kind of weird.

**DARIA:** Hey look who's talking!

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** You're, like, this conformist who tries to be different.

(Pause. Daria now gazes at her, speechless. Finally she gets hold of herself.)

**DARIA:** What d' you **mean**??

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs both shoulders._)

**DARIA:** Hey don't give me the silent treatment!

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** I meant what I said.

(_Beat. Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** C' mon -- **conformist**?? This isn't my **sister** you're talking to. I'm not Quinn.

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs a shoulder._)

**ANDREA:** She's fun to watch, too.

(_Beat. Daria purses her lips together._)

**DARIA:** You **know** what I mean.

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** I don't know. You guys seem kind of alike. (_Bt_) I mean, if you didn't have her around, you'd probably be her.

(Pause. cut to close-up of Daria's face. She's so stunned, her mouth has dropped open.)

**END OF ACT ONE**

[Shot of Daria standing in front of the mirror while Andrea stares at her.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: It's Brittany versus Quinn in the battle of the century. Will Lawndale High ever be the same?? (_sorry, no footage available -- damn MTV technicians!_) Catch it next week on an all-new 'Daria.'"

* Lunchables... if you're not familiar with them, they're the ready-made pizzas, burgers, hot dogs, et cetera that it's **so** cool for kids to bring as their school lunch. Sorry, but no matted how hard I squint, I **still** cannot call this stuff food...

* Another phone commercial... the long-distance variety , where the phone companies say "It's **easy**!" and have you dial a bunch of numbers to save money. Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I find those numbers so forbidding, I'd **rather** just pay the full fee. (My feeling's based on personal experience: last year, I was studying abroad in Europe, and each time I called home, I had to work my way through a nightmarish column of numbers -- oftentimes failing, and having to start over -- to make the connection.)

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

ANDREA SPEAKS!

* * *

**ACT TWO**

SCENE 1 (_Daria's dream, early morning_)

(_It's pitch black and silent. Suddenly we hear an echoing voice -- Andrea's._)

**ANDREA:** Whoooooo do you think you arrrrrrrrrrre...?

(We then see a dimly-lit figure emerge from the darkness. The figure grows more recognizable as it walks forward -- it's Daria. She's waving her arms around, trying to disperse the darkness, and looking confused. She looks straight ahead and suddenly her eyes widen. She gasps. cut to her **POV:** Andrea's towering overhead, staring down at Daria with scathing eyes.)

**ANDREA:** You caaaaaaaaaaall yourself an **outcast**??

(Cut to shot of Daria. She starts to speak, when suddenly Brittany's head floats on screen, swirls around above her.)

**BRITTANY:** Hey look, Kevvy! Let's say hi to **our** buddy, Daria! [*] see "The Lost Girls"

(Daria gazes up at her, utterly shocked. Before she can recover, Jodie's head floats on screen, intermingles with Brittany's.)

**JODIE:** Daria, could you play the cymbals in our quintet for the Lawndale Days festival? [*] see C.E. Forman's "Rain on Your Parade"

**DARIA:** I --

(Before she can get out another word, DeMartino's head bounces on screen, swirls around with the others.)

**DeMARTINO:** **Daria**, will you **enlighten** these two LUNKHEADS, Kevin and Brittany, about the history of **America**??

**BRITTANY:** Hey!

(Then Ms. Li's head floats on screen. Suddenly it's getting a little crowded -- Daria has to stoop over to avoid getting head-slammed.)

**MS LI:** Not so **fast**, Mr. DeMartino. Darierrrrrrrr has to practice her **valedictory** speech.

**DeMARTINO:** Oh, well --

(_Then O'Neill's head shoots on screen._)

**O'NEILL:** (_whiny_) **Please**, Daria, hide my shoddy teaching style with your brilliant literary insights!

(Daria is about to respond again, when all of the heads start talking at once, creating quite a din. Daria looks at Andrea for help. cut to her POV -- Andrea towering overhead.)

**ANDREA:** Dammit -- you're **popular**! BEGONE!!!

(Cut to close-up of Daria. She gasps. Everything goes **poof**.)

(Cut to shot of Daria in bed. She shoots upright, gasping. After several seconds, she finally gets hold of herself. Frowns.)

**DARIA:** (_resolute_) All right. We **have** to talk.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_school, later that morning_)

(Shot of Daria walking down the hall with Jane. She's walking at a brisk pace, and Jane's struggling to keep up.)

**DARIA:** I've been condemned for being too alienated, and I've learned to accept it. (_Bt_) But **not** alienated enough?? That's just sick.

**JANE:** (_pacifying_) Daria, this is the **third** time we've had this conversation, and I keep telling you -- Andrea's just **like** that.

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) You mean **sadistic**?

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Yeah. She was probably trying to get a reaction from you. Just ignore her.

**DARIA:** Ignore Big Brother? (_Bt_) Why **should** I -- she's not ignoring me. (_Bt_) And **dammit**, why should she get to decide who's and outcast and who **isn't**??

(_Jane rolls her eyes._)

**JANE:** Look, do whatever. Go tell her how you feel if it's bothering you so much. She's over there.

(She stops and points to a growing crowd of students a short distance away. Andrea's standing at the edge of it. Daria gazes over and cocks an eyelid.)

**DARIA:** An onlooker at Quinn's Fashion Club debate. **Now** who's the conformist??

(_Jane rolls her eyes again._)

**JANE:** She probably wants to watch the carnage unfold. I'm kind of curious, myself.

**DARIA:** (_frowning_) I can't believe the school's letting them hold this thing during class.

**JANE:** Hey, fashion's important to the school. (_Bt_) If the students look good, visitors'll think we're happy. Then they'll **forget** about minor transgressions, like budget cuts or horse meat in the cafeteria food.

**DARIA:** I see. (_Bt_) Fashion makes the school look like it's doing it's job.

**JANE:** Exactly.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Look, I think I **will** have a talk with Andrea. (_Bt_) Where should we meet up?

**JANE:** (_wicked_) Wherever I'm close enough to see the blood spill.

(_Daria shakes her head, walks away._)

**DARIA:** Spoken like a true sadist....

(Cut to shot of Andrea, doing what she was doing the first time she and Daria spoke -- retrieving a cigarette and lighter. Daria strides up and stands across from her. This time, she's frowning.)

**DARIA:** Okay, Andrea. What's **up**?

(_Pause. Andrea looks at her questioningly._)

**ANDREA:** Don't know. (_shrugs a shoulder_)

(_Beat. Daria rolls her eyes, mashes her lips together. Glowers at Andrea._)

**DARIA:** You do **too** know. (_Bt_) Remember our conversation yesterday?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Not really.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** C' **mon** -- that stuff you said about me being a conformist. That I'm like **Quinn**.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_frustrated_) Because you're **wrong**. You don't know anything about me.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Deep down, I'm as twisted as you are. Maybe even **more** so.

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** Okay.

(Pause. Daria waits for more of a response. When she doesn't get it, her irritation grows.)

**DARIA:** Okay, okay... or okay, you agree with me??

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Here's an idea: how 'bout after I stop talking, you **start** right away.

(_Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** The second one.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Oh. Okay. (_Bt_) Well then, I guess that settles -- (_starts to leave. then suddenly stops. turns to Andrea again._) **Wait**, one more thing.

(_Andrea looks at her impassively._)

**DARIA:** I've been going to school here for over a year. And yet only **lately** you've started watching me. Right?

(_Beat. Andrea nods vaguely._)

**DARIA:** So how come?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** I wasn't interested in you before.

(Pause. Daria gives her a pointed look that says "**continue**.")

**ANDREA:** You once read some cool poetry in class.

(_Beat. Daria blinks, surprised._)

**DARIA:** The "poetry from life" stuff we did a while back? [*] see "That Thing You Say"

(_Andrea nods. Pause. Daria takes a moment to let this sink in. Then: _)

**DARIA:** (_wry_) Let me save us some time by guessing the rest. You thought my work was cool, and that underneath my boring façade, **I** might be cool, too. So you've been watching me for clues.

(_Beat. Andrea nods._)

**DARIA:** But instead, you've just found **more** conventionality. Correct??

(_Beat. Andrea nods._)

**DARIA:** Well I'm **not** conventional.

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs a shoulder._)

**ANDREA:** You've said that already.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Oh. Right. (_Bt_) Well, um, what I mean is... I think you and I are a lot alike.

(_Beat. Andrea looks at Daria impassively._)

**DARIA:** (_blushing furiously_) And maybe we could, um, look at each other's work sometime.

(_Pause. Then we hear a thundering voice off screen: _)

**UPCHUCK:** Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen, the first annual Fashion Club debate is about to **begin**! So gather 'round while there's still gawking space **available**!!!

(Pause. Daria runs a hand through her hair, rattled. She was already pretty on edge to start with. Andrea looks at her.)

**ANDREA:** My house. Today, after school. 3321 Cedar Court. Gray shingles. **Don't** forget. (_turns and walks off screen_)

(_Daria watches her go, speechless for a few seconds._)

**DARIA:** Um, o-kay.

(Cut to shot of a small stage, around which a crowd including almost **all**the familiar Lawndale High students have gathered. We see the 3 Js; Jodie and Mack; Kevin; Brittany and the other cheerleaders; Robert; Ted; Evan; our pal Barry from "'Shipped Out," who's passing out fliers for his Taxidermy society, a stuffed squirrel perched on his shoulder; Corey and that other guy who likes Quinn; Skylar; the "popular" girl from "The Invitation"; Brooke, the wannabe F.C., et cetera. Upchuck's standing off to one side of the stage, holding a mike and providing commentary. Stacy sits nearby, in one of two chairs. She shuffles through index cards. Meanwhile, Sandi's taking her place in one of two chairs on the stage, wearing her usual cool, haughty expression. Tiffany's with her.)

**SANDI:** Look -- all the people who like **Quinn** are here. (_Bt_) She has a lot of **influence** at this school, doesn't she?

**TIFFANY:** Yeah. (_Bt_) But not as much as **you**, Sandi.

(_Sandi nods curtly._)

**SANDI:** (_satisfied_) Of **course** not.

(Cut to shot of the audience -- we see Jane standing toward the front. Daria's wading through the crowd to get to her.)

**JANE:** (_as Daria arrives_) I thought only the **Fashion Club** could vote in this election.

**DARIA:** Right. But this way they make it look like they're holding it for the **students'** benefit.

**JANE:** And what **better** way to enhance their image, right?

**DARIA:** Yep.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** So anyway, did you tell off Andrea?

**DARIA:** Um... yeah.

(Suddenly the audience applauds. cut to shot of the stage. Quinn's arrived and is walking blithely to her seat. She suddenly pauses and looks out at the audience, her hands clasped together and wearing the same expression she gets when guys fight over her. Off screen, we hear guys chanting "Quinn! Quinn! Quinn!" Then Sandi makes a loud clearing-throat sound. Quinn turns around and sits down in the empty chair. Neither she nor Sandi extends a hand for good sportsmanship; instead, they just grimace at each other. Meanwhile, Tiffany is sitting down next to Stacy and also looking through index cards.)

**UPCHUCK:** Laaaaaaaadies and gentlemen... our candidates for president are ready to face off! In the **left** corner, we have the lovely Sandra Griffin, Fashion Club president for nearly **two** years running. And in the **right** corner, her very **worthy** opponent, Quinn Morgendorffer! Grrrrrrrrrr!

(_The audience explodes at the sound of Quinn's name. Sandi's eyes narrow._)

**UPCHUCK:** Our debate will consist of our candidates each responding to questions posed by their fellow fashion club members. You'll both have thirty seconds! Now let's beeeeeegin! Grrrrrrrrrrr!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. They roll their eyes. Pause. cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany. Stacy reads from her first index card.)

**STACY:** (_hesitant_) Um, Issue Number One: Ms. Li decides that the students should wear uniforms. What would you do? (_Bt_) Um, Sandi?

(_Cut to shot of the stage. Sandi does a dramatic pause._)

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) **Thirty** seconds, Sandradee!

(_Sandi glares down at him. Then her face takes on a superior look._)

**SANDI:** **I'd** stage a sickout for the **entire** school. No one would show up until Ms. Li had seen the **error** of taking away our freedom to **accessorize**.

**AUDIENCE:** Oooooooooh...

(_Sandi smirks triumphantly. Glances at Quinn._)

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) And now it's on to **you**, Quinn my sweet. Grrrrrrr!

(_Pause. Quinn looks extremely composed._)

**QUINN:** If **I** were president, I'd work with fashion clubs from other schools to destroy all uniform-related newspaper clippings and web sites, so Ms. Li would never even **think** of asking us to give up our right to fashion.

**AUDIENCE:** Ooooooooooooh!!!

(_Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Jane leans toward Daria._)

**JANE:** She's **good**.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) At blowing smoke.

(Cut to shot of the stage. Quinn smirks triumphantly, glances at Sandi. Sandi's glowering.)

**UPCHUCK:** A **feisty** rejoinder from Morgendorffer! (_to Stacy and Tiffany_) How did it bode with **you**, ladies??

(_Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany. Even they seem pretty impressed._)

**STACY & TIFFANY:** Good!

**UPCHUCK:** Okaaaaaaay, moving right along -- let's go to our **second** question. Tiffany!

(_Pause. Tiffany picks up an index card and reads._)

**TIFFANY:** Issue Number Two. Not all girls are as fortunate as we are. How do you plan to help girls who can't **afford** to keep up with the latest trends? (_Bt_) Sandi?

(_Cut to shot of the stage._)

**SANDI:** I'd organize an **outreach** program, where all of the best boutiques and department stores would donate the latest fashions to a **clothing** fair, and let the pathetically **unfashionable** make their selections.

**AUDIENCE:** Ahhhhhh...

(_Again, Sandi smirks triumphantly._)

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) What do you have to say to **that**, my fairest Quinn?

(_Quinn appears unfazed._)

**QUINN:** An outreach program is a good idea. But why make the stores drag their clothes out to a silly **fair**, which would probably just **ruin** them, anyway? (_Bt_) **I** propose we give poor students discounts to **all** the major clothing stores, so they can get individual attention **and** be spared the **humiliation** of squeezing into Size Three jeans in **public**.

**AUDIENCE:** Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) She makes a **good** point!

(_Sandi glares, while Quinn smirks triumphantly._)

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) But can you top her on the **next** question, Sandralaaah? Let's -- (_interrupted by the sound of male voices chanting Quinn's name._)

(_Cut to shot of the audience. All of Quinn's guys are pumping their fists._)

**GUYS:** Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn...!!!

(_Meanwhile, Daria and Jane look on, wearing deadpan expressions._)

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) Oh my! Ohhhhhh, my! **Someone's** getting appreciated today!

(_Brittany gathers the cheerleaders together and they do a cheer._)

**CHEERLEADERS:** Take it to the left! Take it to the right! Go on girl, you're hot! **Fight**, **fight**, **fight**!!! (_Bt_) Go on, baby, red **hot**... go on, baby, red **hot**.....

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Yes. Someone **is** getting appreciated.

**JANE:** And she **knows** it. Look at her.

(_Cut to close-up of Quinn. She's wearing a serene, blissful smirk._)

**QUINN:** (_thought voice-over_) Advantage: **Quinn**.

(She looks out at the audience. Suddenly her face takes on a stunned expression. cut to Quinn's POV. The audience looks pretty fuzzy, but in the foreground we can see Angie, one of the cheerleaders from "Daria Dance Party," wearing glasses. resume close-up of Quinn. She's so focused on the glasses, she fails to realize that the cheer has died down and that Stacy is asking the third question. Silence. Then: )

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) Oh Qui-inn!

(_Quinn shakes her head, startled._)

**QUINN:** **Huh**?

**UPCHUCK:** (_off screen_) You're up **first**, this time.

(_Pause_)

**QUINN:** (_suddenly less confident_) Um, could you repeat the question?

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 3 (_hallway, after the debate_)

(Shot of Angie chatting with some of the other cheerleaders. By now, the crowd that watched the debate has nearly dispersed. Suddenly, from off screen: )

**QUINN:** Angie! Could I talk to you for a second??

(_Angie turns, her face brightening._)

**ANGIE:** Sure, Quinn.

(_She walks over to her. Meanwhile, Quinn's looking agitated._)

**ANGIE:** We all thought you did a great job. You **really** showed up Sandi.

**QUINN:** (_barely absorbing the compliment_) Yeah, thanks. (_Bt_) Um, I was just noticing that you wear glasses now.

**ANGIE:** Oh, yeah. But not forever -- just 'til my new contacts are ready.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** Oh. And the other cheerleaders don't **mind**?

**ANGIE:** Mind? Why should they?

**QUINN:** Well, 'cause you look like a **geek**.

(_Beat_)

**ANGIE:** A **geek**?! (_looks a bit ticked_)

(_Quinn makes an "Ix-nay" gesture._)

**QUINN:** Hey listen, **I'm** not saying you do. (_Bt_) But, um, don't the other cheerleaders think so?

**ANGIE:** Not that I know of. (_Bt_) I haven't gotten any **smarter** from wearing these things.

**QUINN:** Well have they **said** anything?

**ANGIE:** No. (_Bt. shrugs_) They treat me the same as they always do.

(_Pause_)

**QUINN:** (_subdued_) Oh.

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Ms. Barch's science class_)

(Close-up shot of Quinn, head in hand, wearing a thoughtful expression. She's completely oblivious to what Barch is saying.)

**BARCH:** (_off screen_) Because I know you testosterone-gushing, hormone-raging **males** would rather watch something being blown to **shreds**, I'm gonna make you watch the "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Animals of the Forest" video. May you rot in hell.

(_The lights go out, shocking Quinn out of her reverie._)

**QUINN:** **Hgh**. (_blinks disconcertedly, jerks her head around_)

(Suddenly we hear Disney-type music coming from the front of the room. Quinn stares straight ahead -- her eyes widen, then narrow, in a desperate attempt to see. We hear a male narrator speaking.)

**NARRATOR:** (_cheery off screen voice-over_) Look at little Nub-nub. Isn't she cute? Nub-nub is one of many baby deer born in the forest **every** spring.

**QUINN:** **Hgh**. (_Bt_) Cute baby animals??

(She tries even harder to see. cut to her POV -- because she's sitting toward the back of the room, everything's a blur. resume close-up of Quinn.)

**NARRATOR:** (_off screen_) Nub-nub **loves** to play with Pokey and Tickly-wickly, and all of her other animal friends. And we'll get to meet **each** and every one of them.

**QUINN:** (_sound of moaning_) Uuuuuuuughhh...

(She slumps forward in her seat, her elbows on her desk. For several seconds, as the video drones on, she does nothing. Then, slowly, her eyes trail toward her purse on the floor. Pause. Slowly, Quinn reaches down toward it. Pause. We see her open it, then, slowly, start to lift out a black case. fade-out.)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Andrea's house, after school_)

(Shot of the outside. Daria's walking slowly down the sidewalk. She stops and turns to look at the house, in such a way that her back is to us. Her body language tells us she's doubtful about whether she got the address right. Nothing on the outside screams "Andrea." The house is one story and on the small side, but looks extremely well-maintained. The paint job is neat, the hedges look trimmed, and there's even a bed of flowers next to the porch. Suddenly we see the front door slowly open. cut to close-up. From the inside, we see a face peeping out -- unmistakably Andrea's. Then, like a phantom, she turns and walks away, leaving the front door ajar. cut to shot of Daria. She shrugs her shoulders: now that Andrea's seen her, she has no choice but to go in. Starts walking up the walkway. fade-out.)

(fade-in to shot of a living room with open doorways on either end. From wall to wall, we see Jesus paraphernalia: paintings, plates, cushions, statues, clocks, et cetera. cut to close-up of Daria. She looks extremely confused -- maybe this **is** the wrong house. cut to her POV. We see a spiky-haired silhouette pause in front of the other doorway, then disappear. resume close-up of Daria.)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Walk through heaven to get to hell. (_Bt_) Somehow that seems fitting.

(_She shrugs, and walks across the room. fade-out._)

(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting in a black wicker chair, wearing a mystified expression as she gazes at her surroundings. cut to her POV. The lighting of the room is red, so the walls all look blood red. Andrea has black curtains over her windows, similar to the ones in Jane's room. Some Marilyn Manson posters cover her walls, along with a poster of T.S. Eliot and a few landscape paintings. Predictably, in one corner, we see a life-sized **plastic** human skeleton. resume close-up Daria.)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Well at least I can't find any bomb-making materials.

(Just in case, she glances across the floor. Suddenly Andrea comes over to her and puts a stack of papers in her lap.)

**ANDREA:** (_usual expressionless tone_) You wanted my stuff. Here it is.

(Daria leafs through the pages. The light's so bad, she has to squint to see the writing on them.)

**DARIA:** Um, thanks. (_Bt_) I'd've brought my stuff, but your invitation was kind of spur of the moment.

(Andrea doesn't respond. She sits down on a black afghan on her bed, not far from Daria. Meanwhile, Daria's discovering she can't read the poetry worth a damn in the bad light. She decides to risk it and make conversation.)

**DARIA:** Um, nice room. **Real** twisted, like **mine**.

(Beat. No response. Daria feels like an idiot -- she's not used to being so forward, and it's **weird** to be with someone more passive than she.)

**DARIA:** (_lamely_) Um, nice house, too.

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** My mom's a born-again. (_Bt_) Thinks the church'll keep her sober. (_shrugs a shoulder_)

**DARIA:** Oh. (_Bt_) Are you into that stuff?

(_Andrea looks at her._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Stupid question. (_Bt. aloud_) Um, I don't blame you. Organized religion does more to **trample** on the human spirit than to uplift it.

(Andrea doesn't respond. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) **Ugh**. Just slap a big sign on my forehead that reads "trying too hard." (_shakes her head, frustrated_)

(_Andrea pulls out two cigarettes and offers one to Daria._)

**ANDREA:** Cigarette?

(_Daria puts a hand up._)

**DARIA:** No thanks. I don't smoke.

(_Pause. Andrea looks at her._)

**DARIA:** (_defensive_) Hey, not smoking doesn't make me a conformist.

(_Beat. Andrea continues to look._)

**DARIA:** Plenty of non-conformists don't smoke. (_Bt_) Especially since so many Hollywood celebrities have picked up the habit.

(_Beat. Andrea looks slightly stunned._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Gotcha.

(She smirks, suddenly feeling more relaxed. Andrea's demeanor seems an eensy bit more accessible, too.)

**DARIA:** Um, so is this what you do after school? Hang around your room and write poetry?

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** Most of the time.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Yeah, me too. (_Bt_) It's a good way to escape from reality.

(_Andrea nods vaguely._)

**ANDREA:** Or make your own.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Um, yeah. (Pause. finds herself a bit uncomfortable with that statement. decides to skirt past it.) So, um, you said **most** of the time you're in here. What about the rest of the time?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** I don't know. Sometimes I paint.

**DARIA:** You do?

(Andrea points to the landscape paintings. Daria looks at them, and her eyes widen with amazement.)

**DARIA:** Those are **yours**?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** Yeah.

**DARIA:** Wow, those are really good. (_Bt_) How'd you learn to do that?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** I taught myself.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Ever shown them to anyone?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Like who? Ms. Li?

**DARIA:** Um, no, I meant... Ms. Defoe, or someone connected to the art scene.

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** They wouldn't want my stuff.

**DARIA:** How do you know?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Because I tried entering the poster contest last year. No one would let me. [*] see "Arts 'N Crass"

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Oh. (_Bt_) But... I thought the contest was **voluntary**.

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** Yeah. But they didn't care. They thought I'd do something that'd embarrass the school.

(_Beat. Daria's frowning._)

**DARIA:** Um, yeah. I understand. **Too** well. (_Pause_) But maybe if they saw your other stuff... (_gestures at the paintings_)

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**DARIA:** I mean, don't hide yourself just 'cause **some** people are too closed-minded to accept you for who you are.

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Maybe, but I don't really care anymore. I don't paint for other people.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Um, yeah. Nor should you.

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** I figure they can do their thing if they'll let me do mine.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_sober_) Yeah.

(Andrea's words ring all-too true for her. In spite of their difficulties with communication, Daria suddenly feels a sort of connection with Andrea. The connection reminds her of their shared interest in poetry, and she glances down at the papers.)

**DARIA:** Hey, I was just thinking: it'd be better if we had **both** of our poetry to look at. (_Bt_) So we could compare.

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**DARIA:** So how 'bout coming over to my house, sometime?

(_Pause. Then Andrea shrugs again._)

**ANDREA:** Okay.

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_Morgendorffer house, a few days later_)

(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the kitchen. Quinn's lounging on one of the stools by the counter, chatting on the cordless phone with Tiffany.)

QUINN: ... Y' know, it'll be **really** nice to have you guys over, away from all that election stuff.

**TIFFANY:** (_from the receiver_) Yeah.

**QUINN:** Sorry Sandi couldn't come. Who'd've thought it'd take an entire **evening** to wax your facial hair??

**TIFFANY:** Bummer.

**QUINN:** But the **three** of us'll have fun. (_Bt_) We could pop some no-salt, no-butter, no-oil, fat free popcorn, give each other makeovers... (_Bt. faux nonchalant_) And I have some stuff in my closet that I kind of want to get rid of, if you and Stacy are interested.

**TIFFANY:** Sure.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** Hey, Tiffany, I was just thinking: Sandi's got a lot of influence at school, doesn't she?

**TIFFANY:** Yeah.

**QUINN:** As much as **me**??!

**TIFFANY:** Oh, no **way**.

**QUINN:** Good. (_Bt. slightly worried_) But gosh, um, you sounded kind of quiet a second ago. Anything wrong?

**TIFFANY:** Oh **no**.

**QUINN:** That's good. (_Bt_) So you'll be over soon?

**TIFFANY:** Definitely.

**QUINN:** Great. See ya then. (_hangs up the phone_)

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake sitting on the couches in the living room, doing their usual work/ newspaper-reading. Quinn walks over to them.)

**QUINN:** Now when Stacy and Tiffany get here, you won't embarrass me by saying hello or anything, right??

**JAKE:** Of **course** not, sweetheart!

(_Helen looks at him, a bit annoyed. Turns to Quinn._)

**HELEN:** Yes, we'll **try** to stay out of your way. (_Bt. suspicious_) You know, Quinn, if you don't mind my saying: your little get-together almost smells like **back room dealing**.

**QUINN:** So?

**HELEN:** (_cocking a brow_) Isn't that against the rules of good sportsmanship?

**QUINN:** (_rationalizing_) Maybe so, but **Mo-om**, I **really** want to beat Sandi. (_Bt. crafty_) She's kind of like **my** Laura Winters, and it'd be a shame if we lost to her **twice**, now, wouldn't it??

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_firm_) Do whatever it takes to win, sweetheart.

**QUINN:** (_triumphant_) I will, Mom. (_Bt. gets a worried look._) Um, **Daria's** not gonna be around to embarrass me, will she?

(_Helen sighs._)

**HELEN:** I think she's upstairs with Jane. (_Bt_) If you want her to stay out of your way, go ask her yourself.

(_Quinn nods resolutely. Turns and leaves._)

(Cut to shot of the upstairs hallway. Quinn's just come from the stairs and is walking toward Daria's room.)

**QUINN:** (_calling_) Oh **Daria**?

(Suddenly she runs into Daria and Andrea, coming from the opposite direction. Quinn sees Andrea and cringes.)

**QUINN:** **Agh**!! (_face gets a look of horror_)

(_Andrea regards her impassively, as does Daria._)

**DARIA:** Yes?

(_long Pause. Quinn does her best to recover. Glares at Daria._)

**QUINN:** (_through gritted teeth_) Can I speak to you **alone** for a minute, please??

**DARIA:** (_faux friendly_) Well **sure**, sis. (_looks at Andrea, rolls her eyes, then walks away with Quinn._)

(Cut to shot of the bathroom. Daria and Quinn walk in, stand in front of the sinks and mirror.)

**QUINN:** (_resolute_) **Daria**, my friends'll be over soon. You cannot have that **freak** here.

**DARIA:** (_frowning_) **Hey**. Andrea's my **guest**. She's got as much right to be here as **your** friends.

(_Quinn quickly loses her composure._)

**QUINN:** Oh no she **doesn't**!!! I'm counting on **tonight** to win me the Fashion Club presidency, and if **anything** goes wrong --!

**DARIA:** (_flatly_) Look, don't worry. Andrea and I won't say **or** do anything to wreck your chances.

**QUINN:** You don't understand! Just by **being** here she could wreck my chances! If my friends **see** her --!

**DARIA:** **What**?! If your friends see her, **what**?!

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** They might think she'll **rub** off on them or something. And then they'll blame me! (_Bt_) Look, it's bad enough I have to worry about them seeing **you** --

**DARIA:** (_coldly_) Ooh-hoo, your own **sister**. That is, if you had the guts to admit that's who I am.

**QUINN:** Oh quit being such a big **baby** about that! (_Bt_) Look, **fine**, if it's a matter of money, I'll pay --

**DARIA:** Forget it. Not interested.

**QUINN:** But **Daria**!

**DARIA:** N-O.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** **Dammit**, Daria! If you and your loser friend cost me this election --!

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) You may just have to go back to being **vice**-president. Aw gee.

(_Beat. Quinn glares at her._)

**DARIA:** Or maybe you'll be forced to take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

**QUINN:** Huh? (_thinks she means it literally, turns and looks at herself_)

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** I **mean** maybe you'll finally realize that being Miss On-Top-of-the-World Fashion Club hotshot isn't **you**.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_sullen_) What're you **talking** about??

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_serious_) Look, Quinn, I don't know how long you think you can fool people --

(As she says this, Quinn's face turns pale, as if she's remembering something.)

**DARIA:** -- I mean, you've managed to fool them for over a year about **me**. But sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the fact that you're vision-impaired, and acting like a big **idiot** trying to cover it up.

(_Pause. Now Quinn's glaring at Daria through the mirror._)

**DARIA:** You're giving up a lot by not wearing your glasses. (_Pause_) Aren't you?

(_Pause. Quinn stops glaring and looks downward, her brows furrowing._)

**QUINN:** Giving up **what**?? (_Pause. turns to Daria, tosses her hands in the air._) Being a loser **nerd** with no friends??! (_Bt_) Look, I don't have **time** for this. I gotta get ready... (_starts to leave_)

(_Daria cocks and eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Fine. (_Bt_) But could you answer me a question?

(_Quinn pauses._)

**QUINN:** **Yes**?!

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** What's the **real** reason you're bugged by me and Andrea? Is it 'cause **we're** freaks, or 'cause we make you scared **you** might be one?

(_Pause_)

**QUINN:** (_flatly_) That's a **stupid** question.

(_She leaves without answering it. Daria cocks a resigned eyelid._)

(Cut to shot of the hallway. Quinn's stalking down it, head bowed, not paying attention to her surroundings. Suddenly she bumps into Andrea. Looks at her.)

**QUINN:** Aghhhhhhhhh!!! (_runs away_)

(_Andrea watches her go. Shakes her head._)

**ANDREA:** Weird.

**END OF ACT TWO**

[Split screen of Sandi and Quinn smirking triumphantly at each other.]

You are now entering commercial **HELL**. Please keep your seat belt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.

  * Those movie commercials where they interview "real" audience members after they've seen the show and give us their sound bites. Usually it's done for a romantic comedy or a Disney movie. Example: "Audiences across America are cheering [fill in the blank]!" Audience member #1 (_with two kids in tow_): "Best movie I've seen all year!" Her kids: "It was awesome!" Audience member #2 (_a giggly teenager_): "[fill in the blank] was **so** hot!" Their responses are so choreographed, you can all but see the cue cards they're reading from.

* Men's hair commercials. I'm thinking especially of Hair Club for Men. It just creeps me out that some men would be so insecure about baldness, they'd have **fake** hair planted in their heads. Not real, not a hairpiece, but fake... **shudder** They actually think women would find that sexier than a bald spot??

* And if I've offended any with the last commercial, I may offend still more with another set of commercials I dislike: the ones with the little Pepsi girl. Wait, let me explain: I think she's cute as hell, and I got a good laugh the first time I saw her lip-synch to the voices of older people. But by now, those commercials have been shown **way** too often, and where can you **go** with them after a while?

You are now leaving commercial **HELL**. Aren't you happy you survived?

## 

ANDREA SPEAKS!

* * *

**ACT THREE**

SCENE 1 (_Morgendorffer house, same day, same time_)

(_Shot of the outside._)

**QUINN:** (_off screen voice-over_) MOM!!! DAD!!!

(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake on the couches. They look up from what they're doing, startled. We then see Quinn flying down the stairs, straight toward them.)

**HELEN:** Quinn, what on **earth** --?!

(_Quinn comes up behind them._)

**QUINN:** (_rushed, dramatic_) Daria doesn't have Jane over, she's got that weird **freaky** girl over who looks like she's on **drugs** an' she's gonna make **Daria** take drugs!

(_Helen and Jake's eyes widen. They look at Quinn._)

**HELEN:** **Drugs**?!

**JAKE:** Daria's gonna take **drugs**"?!!

**QUINN:** Well no... but she **might**! You gotta get that girl **out** of here -- my friends'll **be** here, soon!

**HELEN:** (_briskly_) Quinn, now **calm** down -- go upstairs and get ready. Dad and I will handle this.

(Quinn nods. As she's leaving, Helen and Jake huddle together conspiratorially.)

**HELEN:** My **God**, Jake, I can't **believe** this!

**JAKE:** I know! Oh Gahhhhd... Daria's going downhill **right** before our eyes!

**HELEN:** Now Jake, be reasonable. It hasn't come to **that**. At least not **yet**, anyway.

**JAKE:** But what're we gonna **do**??

**HELEN:** We'll just go **right** on upstairs and see this girl for ourselves. In all likelihood, she's probably **very** nice.

**JAKE:** That sounds good.

**HELEN:** (_ominous_) And if she's not, we'll give her the **scare** of her life.

**JAKE:** **Both** of us??

(_Helen takes his hand._)

**HELEN:** Come **on**, Jake.

(_They both stand up._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_Daria's room_)

(Shot of the inside. Andrea's sitting on the bed, surrounded by sheets and sheets of poetry. Daria walks over to the bad, clears a space, and sits down next to her.)

**DARIA:** Sorry about my sister. (_grumble_) The little twerp...

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** No problem. (_Bt_) She's interesting to watch. Kind of strange.

(_Daria lets out a sharp chuckle._)

**DARIA:** Yeah, strange. (_Bt. grumble_) Strangely lucky to be **alive**.

(Andrea doesn't respond, but you could swear that underneath her impassive façade, she's smiling. Daria glances down at the sheets of paper.)

**DARIA:** So? Do my poems make the cut?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** Sure, I guess. (_Bt_) They're a little on the tame side, though.

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) **Really**?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) They're dark, but there's a line they won't cross.

**DARIA:** And your stuff **does** cross that line, I suppose. (_glances at Andrea. smirks. admitting_) Yeah, well, we can't **all** write about cheerleaders being tortured in hell with as much flair as you can. [*] see John Berry's "The Education of Dumber-Than-a-Tree"

**ANDREA:** That was one of **my** tame ones.

**DARIA:** So I gathered.

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** There **was** a poem you read in class that I thought kicked ass. It -- (_interrupted by the sound of knocking._)

**DARIA:** (_calling_) Quinn, **get** lost!

(_Cut to shot of the door. From off screen: _)

**HELEN:** Daria? It's Mom. Could you open up, please?

**JAKE:** Yeah, kiddo! We wanna, um, **meet** your little friend.

(_Beat. cut to shot of Daria and Andrea. Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** Good God. (_Bt. to Andrea_) Somehow I suspect there's no way out of this. Brace yourself.

(_Andrea nods._)

**DARIA:** (_to Helen and Jake_) Come **in**.

(Sound of door opening and shutting. Helen and Jake approach them apprehensively, unable to take their eyes off of Andrea. They're straining to look friendly, but you can tell they don't quite know what to make of her. After a few seconds of silence: )

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Let me save you the trouble. Mom and Dad, this is Andrea. Andrea, these are the people responsible for subjecting me to life on this planet.

(_Helen and Jake chuckle uneasily._)

**HELEN:** Oh now, **Daria**, don't be **silly**! (_Pause. in a **way** too cheery tone_) **Well**, Andrea, Mr. Morgendorffer and I have heard a **lot** about you.

(_Andrea glances at Daria questioningly._)

**DARIA:** (_to Helen. deadpan_) Such **as**?

(_Helen and Jake glance at each other, try to think of a way out of the lie._)

**HELEN:** Oh, well...

**JAKE:** There were **so** many things...

(_Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**HELEN:** (_gushy-cheery_) But the **point** is (_leans toward Andrea, so that she's almost right in her face._) we're **always** happy to see Daria bring home a new friend.

(_Jake does a fist pump._)

**JAKE:** **Darn** right, we are!

(long Pause. Andrea regards them impassively. Helen and Jake both look at her, frown, then try to think of something else to say.)

**HELEN & JAKE:** Ummm....

(_Finally Helen comes up with something._)

**HELEN:** So, um, how **did** you two meet?

**JAKE:** It wasn't at the "Rocky Horror Picture Show," was it?

(Pause. Helen glares at Jake. Daria rolls her eyes. Andrea appears unperturbed.)

**DARIA:** (_slowly_) We met at school.

**JAKE:** (_mumbling_) Oh. That was gonna be my next guess...

(Beat. Helen gives Jake a look that says, "Just **don't** talk anymore." Jake wilts, submits.)

**HELEN:** (_to Andrea. cheery_) **School**?? Why that sounds **fascinating**. Do you like school, Andrea?

(_long Pause. Finally Andrea shrugs._)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) That means **yes**.

(_Helen blinks, looking a little bewildered._)

**HELEN:** Oh! **Good**. School's an **excellent** place to expand your academic **and** social horizons. (_Bt. glances at Daria_) Daria here's managed to excel in the academics thus far --

**JAKE:** (_playing backup singer_) Darn right!

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**HELEN:** -- but now she can, um, do well in the **social** area, too. (_Bt. looks at Andrea, still as though she doesn't know what to make of her._) So **tell** me, Andrea, do you take part in any school activities?

(_long Pause. Finally Andrea shakes her head._)

**HELEN:** Oh...

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) She thinks school activities waste time and are there to make the school look good.

**JAKE:** That's funny, kiddo, that's the same thing you --

(_Helen slaps his arm._)

**HELEN:** **Jake**.

**JAKE:** (_wincing_) But I wasn't...

(_Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** Look, now that you all have met, why don't you two run along and leave me and Andrea to plot our hostile takeover of the town.

(Pause. Helen and Jake grow pale. Daria cocks an eyelid that says, "I'm **kidding**.")

**HELEN:** (_uneasy laugh_) Oh ho-ho, **Daria**! (_Bt. rushed_) But, um, now that I think about it, I **do** have some work I need to get back to.

**JAKE:** Me too!

**HELEN:** So perhaps we **should** just run along. (_Bt_) But it was **very** nice meeting you, Andrea. (_Pause. puts a hand on her chest in a noble manner._) You know, Mr. Morgendorffer and I like to think of ourselves as two hip, open-minded parents who accept any moral, law-abiding, clean-cut friend their daughter brings home, no matter **what** her appearance or background may be like.

**JAKE:** Darn right!

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) **Real** subtle, you guys. (_aloud_) Yes, glad to hear it. Now would you leave us alone?

**HELEN & JAKE:** Of course, of course.

(Helen reaches over to shake Andrea's hand, then thinks better of it. Does a little wave, walks away. Jake does the same thing, follows. As soon as they're gone, Daria heaves a big sigh. Pause.)

**ANDREA:** Weird.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) I get the feeling you think my whole family should be carted off to the funny farm.

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** They make pretty interesting poetry subjects. (_Pause_) Like that one you wrote about your mom shrieking like a demon.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_uncomfortable_) Oh. You **liked** that one?

**ANDREA:** Kicked ass.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Oh. (_Pause_) So, um, then what is it about the rest of my stuff you find so boring?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** Not boring. Just not over the edge.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_frowning a bit_) Could you **explain**?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** You talk a lot about how screwed up people are and how messed up the world is. (_Bt_) Then you let everyone off the hook.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_frowning. trying to comprehend_) Off the hook? (_Bt_) As in suggest they could change, like for the better?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** (_nodding_) Yeah.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) So unfettered optimism bothers you, does it?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** I just think it's unrealistic. (_Bt_) But then again, I guess I can't blame you. Seeing as how you are.

**DARIA:** A **conformist**?

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** You like school. The teachers all like you. And --

**DARIA:** (_defensive_) Hey, I didn't ask to be put in the running for valedictorian.

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** Maybe not. (_Bt_) But you're okay with going by the rules. (_Bt_) You **and** Lane.

(_Beat. Daria's frowning, weighing Andrea's words._)

**ANDREA:** I mean, why else would you bother to get good grades?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) Maybe 'cause I enjoy **challenging** myself?

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** Could be. (_Pause_) But that's not the whole story. (_Pause_) You say you don't like people, but I think you do. You want to please other people.

(_Pause. Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_sarcastic_) Wow, you really have **my** number down. (_Bt_) So a few days of watching me and a stack of poems told you **that**??

(_Beat_)

**ANDREA:** I've watched you before. Just not all at one time.

(_Pause. Daria blinks, surprised._)

**DARIA:** You **have**?? (_Bt_) What, do you make it your business to watch everyone at school??

(_Beat. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** Pretty much. (_Pause_) What else is there for me to do?

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Well, you've said it yourself: why even **care**? (_Bt_) Why not just do your own thing and to hell with other people?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** I don't know why. (_Pause_) It's weird, but sometimes I've wanted to be more like you and Lane.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Really?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Yeah. But then I think: why take the risk? It always seems to go the same way: one minute people are there for you. The next, they let you down.

(As she says this, Daria's expression changes from peevish to sort of pitying. She looks at Andrea, not knowing how to respond.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_hallway at school, a couple days later_)

(Close-up shot of Daria putting stuff in her locker, a thoughtful expression on her face. Suddenly, from off screen: )

**JANE:** It's the **mystery** girl!

**DARIA:** **Huh**??

(_Cut to wider shot. Jane's approaching Daria, a wry expression on her face._)

**JANE:** What's your name again?? Wait, wait, **no**, let me guess. (_Bt_) It's... **Daria** -- right??

(_Beat. Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Yes. And **you** are?

**JANE:** Very funny. (_Bt_) So would you mind telling me what you've been up to the past few days?

**DARIA:** What d' you mean?

**JANE:** Can the innocent routine. (_Bt_) You've been, like, **totally** secretive. I mean I feel like I haven't even **seen** you at all.

(_Beat. Daria looks down._)

**DARIA:** Oh. Um, well I --

**JANE:** Daria, you haven't joined a **cult**, now, have you? (_Bt_) C' mon, you can tell ol' Jane.

(_Beat. Daria rolls her eyes again._)

**DARIA:** Okay, you got me. (_Pause. sighs, decides to level with Jane._) Actually, I, um, wasn't gonna say anything, but...

**JANE:** **But**?

**DARIA:** (_uncomfortable_) The reason you haven't seen me is 'cause... I've been hanging out with someone else.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_neutral tone_) Oh really? Who?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_mumbling_) Um, Andrea.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** Oh.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_pacifying_) Look, I just wanted to see what she was like. We've only hung out a couple of times.

(_Beat. Jane's expression is still neutral._)

**JANE:** Uh-huh.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** And I was, um, afraid to tell you 'cause I didn't want... well, I thought (_reddens a bit_) you'd be mad at me and maybe... not want to be friends anymore. (_Bt_) I'm sorry.

(_Pause. Jane looks sort of surprised._)

**JANE:** Not want to be friends? 'Cause you hung out with someone **else** for a few days? (_Bt. smirks_) Geez, Daria, give me **some** credit.

(_Daria looks at her, startled._)

**DARIA:** So you're **not** mad??

**JANE:** Why should I be? It's your right to hang out with whoever you want.

**DARIA:** Whoa, that's a relief. (_Bt_) I mean, I knew you didn't like Andrea, so --

**JANE:** Not like Andrea? Did I **say** that??

**DARIA:** Not in so many words.

(_Pause. Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Well hey, if I gave you that impression, I'm sorry. Force of habit.

**DARIA:** That's okay.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_lowering her voice_) So what was it like? Hanging out with her?

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) She scares my parents. And she almost nixed Quinn's chances of becoming president of the Fashion Club.

**JANE:** Whoa. Did she really??

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** No. (_Bt_) After an evening of arm-twisting, the little weasel's got this election in the bag. Nothing can stop her.

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Same old, same old. (_Bt. pointed_) But so Daria, tell me: what's Andrea **really** like?

(_Pause. Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** She's nice. (_Bt_) Not much different from you or me, really.

**JANE:** You don't say.

**DARIA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) Except for the fact that she puts up walls about a mile thick.

**JANE:** Wow. Thicker than **your** walls??

(_Daria nods._)

**DARIA:** Hard to believe, but I think so. (_Bt_) It'd take a jackhammer to get through to her soft inside.

(_Beat. Jane raises an eyebrow in disbelief._)

**DARIA:** (_continuing_) I've only been with her twice, and already I'm exhausted. (_Bt_) **I'm** not that bad, am I??

(_Beat. Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Naw... it'd only take a run-of-the-mill sledgehammer to get to **your** softer side.

(_Daria smirks._)

**DARIA:** Thanks. (_Bt_) You know, I'm not ready to give up on Andrea, but I gotta say: it's great talking to someone without experiencing a technical delay.

**JANE:** Happy to be of service. (_Bt_) But as a friend, could you do me a favor?

**DARIA:** Yeah?

**JANE:** Next time you spend time with someone else, could you at least **tell** me? (_Bt_) I was starting to think you'd gone the way of Howard Hughes.

**DARIA:** Sure.

(They both turn away from their lockers. Suddenly we see Andrea standing a distance away, doing her usual staring. She then turns and walks away. Daria looks at Jane, stunned.)

**DARIA:** Damn! You don't think...?

(_Jane raises a brow and nods._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_an empty classroom_)

(Shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany sitting at desks in the middle of the room. Quinn's just entered and is coming over to meet them.)

**QUINN:** (_chipper_) Too bad **this** debate's in private. We won't get to show the whole school what we're about.

(She sits down next to Sandi, who seems oddly triumphant. Stacy and Tiffany are seated in front of them. Stacy's her usual self, while Tiffany seems quiet, even for her.)

**SANDI:** I just didn't want to **humiliate** you in public.

**QUINN:** (_faux graciousness_) Oh **Sandi**, that's so **thoughtful** of you. But you couldn't humiliate **me**.

(_Sandi doesn't reply. Smirks malevolently. Finally she looks at Stacy._)

**SANDI:** **Stacy**, why don't **you** start by announcing the rules?

**STACY:** Okay. (_Pause. reading from an index card._) This is the second and final debate of the Fashion Club elections. The same format applies as in our previous debate. When you have finished speaking, Tiffany and I will weigh your remarks and cast our votes tomorrow.

(_Sandi and Quinn both nod._)

**SANDI:** Very **good**. (_Bt. looks pointedly at Tiffany._) Now Tiffany, why don't **you** ask the first question?

(Pause. Tiffany's face is expressionless as she picks up an index card and reads it slowly.)

**TIFFANY:** Issue number One: (_Pause_) What do you plan to do if people discover you've committed past violations of the Fashion Club rules? (_Bt_) Quinn?

(_Pause. Stacy glances at Tiffany, confused. Quinn grows pale._)

**QUINN:** (_a bit nervous_) What kind of question is **that**??

**SANDI:** (_smirking_) One that I **think** you can answer. (_Bt_) Nerd-girl.

(Quinn looks at her speechlessly, then at Stacy and Tiffany. Stacy looks shocked, Tiffany remorseful.)

**STACY:** What're you talking about, Sandi?

(_Sandi glances at her, then cocks an eyebrow at Quinn._)

**SANDI:** A source in Ms. Barch's class told me she saw you wearing **glasses** not long ago.

(_Stacy gasps. Quinn reddens, lowers her face._)

**QUINN:** (_to Sandi_) But how do you --?!

**SANDI:** **Save** it, Quinn. She gave me **proof** -- which I'd be happy to **produce** if I **must**.

(_Pause. Quinn closes her eyes, her face taking on an expression of defeat._)

**STACY:** (_to Quinn. shock, wonder_) So you mean your eyes **weren't** screwed up by the eye drops your doctor gave you? (_Bt_) You really **can't** see well? [*] see Quinn's excuse for wearing glasses in "Rose-Colored Lenses"

**SANDI:** **I'll** say she can't.

(_Pause. Then Quinn looks at them, defiant._)

**QUINN:** **All** right, all right, so it's true. I wear glasses. But so **what**?! (_Bt_) I'm not the first attractive and popular person to wear them. (_Pause_) I thought, if other girls could, why not **me**??

(_Beat_)

**SANDI:** (_megabitch. no-nonsense_) Quinn, we are a **fashion** club --

**QUINN:** (_peevish_) But you once **said** the Fashion Club could tolerate diversity! (_Bt. grumble_) That is, before you **dumped** me...

(_Beat_)

**STACY:** Yeah, Sandi, maybe --

**SANDI:** (_ignoring her_) **Quinn**, the main **issue** here isn't about you being a four-eyed **loser**. (_Bt_) It's about you telling **lies**. And **fashion**-related ones at that.

(_Pause. Quinn wilts a little._)

**SANDI:** (_faux moral_) If you lied **once**, how can we trust you not to lie **again**? How do we know the next time you tell Stacy her new **platform** sandals coordinate well with her violet halter top, you really **mean** it??

(Pause. Now Stacy looks at Quinn with a vaguely disappointed, betrayed expression.)

**SANDI:** Or that Tiffany's outfits really **don't** make her look fat?

(_Pause. Tiffany looks at Quinn with a peevish expression._)

**SANDI:** And besides, fashion lies are strictly **forbidden** by our charter. And if you **don't** believe me, go look for yourself.

(_Pause. Quinn's head is still bowed, eyes downcast._)

**SANDI:** (_sober_) And so, I think it would be in the best interest of the Fashion Club if you...

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 5 (_Morgendorffer house, that afternoon_)

(_Shot of the outside. We hear Quinn's voice-over: _)

**QUINN:** THEY MADE ME RESIGN!!!!!

(Cut to shot of the living room. Quinn is sprawled across the center couch on her stomach, sobbing into a pillow. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane sit on the right hand couch, watching her with impassive expressions.)

**QUINN:** Oh God, oh God, oh **God**!!! I was **so** close, an' now I have **nothing**!! My life is **over**.... (_moans, buries her face in the pillow, and heaves a sob._)

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) So let me get this straight: you blew your whole cover to watch "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Animals of the Forest"?

(_Beat. Quinn lifts her tear-stained face and looks at Daria._)

**QUINN:** But they were **cute**! Cute **animals**!! You can **see** the pressure I was under! (_heaves another sob_)

**DARIA:** Uh-huh.

**QUINN:** Besides, it was **dark**! I didn't think anyone could **see** me!

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** You couldn't've just moved **up** a few rows to watch?

(Pause. Quinn stops crying. She looks at Daria with a murderous expression. Jane wisely decides to intervene.)

**JANE:** (_pacifying. philosophical_) Well hey, it's all in the past now, anyway. What's done is done.

**DARIA:** Right. It's time to move on.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_whiny_) But I **can't** move on!! The Fashion Club means **everything** to me!! (_heaves a sob. sniffles._) I won't go without a **fight**, I tell you! I **won't**!!!

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** Well then how 'bout this: go study your club charter. There's **gotta** be a tax-shelter style loophole you could squeeze through to stay in.

(_Pause. Quinn sniffles, considers._)

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) **Or**, here's another idea. Just accept defeat and try something new. Now that you've been outed about your glasses --

**QUINN:** (_becoming enraged_) Are you **saying** I should start wearing them and come to school looking like a bug-eyed **geek**?!! No **way**! That's a **stupid** idea!!

(_Daria purses her lips together and rolls her eyes._)

**QUINN:** (_to Jane_) Y' know, I think I **will** have a look at the charter tomorrow. (_sniffles. touches a hand to her face. gets a look of horror._) **Agh**!!! I'm all **puffy**! I gotta go soak my skin... (_quickly jumps off the couch and leaves_)

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** You know it's weird, but I actually feel sorry for her.

(_Bt. Jane frowns._)

**JANE:** **Yeah**.

**DARIA:** Maybe the stuff Andrea said about me **was** true.

**JANE:** What stuff?

**DARIA:** She told me that I liked people. That I cared about their opinions.

(_Jane chuckles, rolls her eyes._)

**JANE:** **You**? (_Bt_) Wow. You sure she wasn't **on** something when she said that??

(_Daria also rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** **No**. She wasn't. (_Bt_) She was actually making a lot of sense -- more than I was willing to give credit to at the time...

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 6 (_hallway at school, the next afternoon_)

(Shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. Quinn walks over to them, shoulders sagging. They look at her.)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Hey.

(_Quinn doesn't respond -- her body language pretty much says it all._)

**JANE:** So no luck with the charter, huh?

(_Quinn shakes her head._)

**QUINN:** (_deflated_) I couldn't find **anything**. There weren't any rules that would let me back in.

(_Daria shrugs._)

**DARIA:** (_sympathetic_) Well, you gave it your best shot. (_Bt_) What did your friends have to say?

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_sullen_) **What** friends?

(_Pause. Daria and Jane look at each other._)

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn_) Well, look, maybe your old friends've deserted you, but that doesn't mean you can't make new ones.

(_Quinn rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air._)

**QUINN:** (_exasperated_) Like **who**?!

(_Pause_)

**BRITTANY:** (_off screen_) Oh **Qui-inn**!

(_Quinn, Daria, and Jane turn to look._)

**JANE:** Hey, how 'bout like **them**?

(As if on cue, Brittany, Kevin, Jodie, and Mack walk on screen and gather around Quinn. She stares at them, bewildered.)

**QUINN:** Hi, you guys. What're **you** doing here??

**BRITTANY:** (_spacey cheerful_) We came to cheer you **up**!

**JODIE:** Yeah, Daria told us what happened.

**QUINN:** She **did**?? (_turns to look at her. Daria shrugs a "don't mention it."_)

**JODIE:** That was a really mean thing Sandi did to you.

**MACK:** Yeah. Just 'cause you wear glasses? Who **cares**??

**DARIA:** (_wry_) I've managed to scrape by.

**KEVIN:** (_to Quinn. goofy cheerful_) Yeah. You probably don't look like **that** much of a nerd in 'em!

(_Pause. Quinn wilts. Everyone else glares at Kevin._)

**BRITTANY:** **Kevin**!

(_Pause_)

**MACK:** (_wry_) Sorry, Quinn. That was just the best way **he** could think of to say you probably look okay.

**JODIE:** Not just **okay**. Probably pretty **good**.

(_Pause_)

**QUINN:** (_faint gratitude_) Thanks. (_Pause. sighs_) But that doesn't help me much.

**DARIA:** She just found out the Fashion Club charter is air-tight.

**JANE:** Which means she can't get back in.

**JODIE/MACK/KEVIN/BRITTANY:** Aw, too bad/ We're sorry.

(_Beat_)

**JODIE:** Well what if you formed **another** fashion club?

**QUINN:** (_incredulous_) **Two** fashion clubs?

**JODIE:** Yeah. I bet girls would rather be in a club with **you** than with Sandi.

(Pause. For a minute Quinn's face brightens at the thought. Then she wilts again.)

**QUINN:** Yeah, **right**. After it gets out all over school that I wear glasses and that I lied...

(_Beat_)

**MACK:** You know, I get the impression you don't think you look good in glasses.

**QUINN:** Yeah?? So??

**MACK:** Well how 'bout letting **us** be the judge?

**JODIE:** Yeah. Let's see what they look like on you.

**BRITTANY & KEVIN:** Yeah!

(Pause. For several seconds, Quinn just stands there, staring at them dejectedly. Finally, she tosses up her hands.)

**QUINN:** All right, **fine**.

(She reaches into her purse. Daria and Jane glance at each other expectantly. Quinn takes out the black case, opens it, takes out the glasses and holds them up for everyone to see.)

**JODIE/MACK/KEVIN/BRITTANY:** Oh!/ Nice!/ Cool!

(_Then, peevishly, Quinn puts them on and slumps against a locker._)

**JODIE:** Hey, you look good!

**MACK:** You really do!

**BRITTANY:** Yeah!

**KEVIN:** Yeah -- not **too** weird!

(_The others glance at him and frown._)

**JODIE:** Quinn, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

(_Pause. Quinn's face brightens for a fleeting moment. Then: _)

**QUINN:** (_deflated. resigned_) Thanks.

(_Beat_)

**MACK:** So are you gonna wear them from now on?

(_Pause. Quinn sighs and shrugs._)

**QUINN:** I might as well. (_Pause_) There's no reason for me **not** to.

(_Pause. Daria smirks with rare sisterly pride._)

**QUINN:** I guess I have to get used to the fact that I'll be spending the rest of eternity as a **geek**.

(_Daria glances at Jane, rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_wry_) Stop me before I burst out crying.

**JANE:** Aw, you old softy... (_suddenly sees that Daria's frowning and looking off screen._) Hey, what's wrong?

(Cut to their POV. We see Andrea staring at them. She turns and leaves. resume previous shot of Daria and Jane.)

**DARIA:** (_to Jane. rushed_) Hold that feel-good moment. (_Bt_) I'll be right back. (_she quickly leaves._)

(Cut to shot of Andrea, walking in a blase´ fashion. Daria comes up quickly behind her.)

**DARIA:** Andrea!

(Andrea stops. Slowly turns to look at Daria, her face impassive. Daria stands across from her.)

**DARIA:** I've been trying to get a hold of you all day.

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs. Daria frowns._)

**DARIA:** (_peevish_) **Don't** tell me we're back to Square One.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Oh. I guess we are. (_Pause_) Look, Andrea, whatever you heard, I just want to let you know: I think you're a good person. (_Bt_) Okay?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Sure.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** And, um, maybe we could hang out again sometime.

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs._)

**ANDREA:** Whatever.

(Pause. Daria rolls her eyes, realizing that Andrea's indifference means they probably **won't** hang out again.)

**DARIA:** And I also wanted to let you know that I agree with what you said about me.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** Okay, I'll admit it: I **do** hold a grudging faith in human redemption. I **don't** believe all hope is lost.

(_Pause. Andrea shrugs._)

**DARIA:** And you know something? I'm fine with that. It's what gets me through life on this screwed-up planet without reaching for a noose.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** I mean, hey, look at my sister. She's finally learning to embrace her status as a four-eyes. (_Bt_) Maybe it'll mellow her out, and she'll see there's more to life than being good-looking and popular.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** And if **she** can redeem herself, **anyone** can.

(long Pause. Daria waits expectantly, then finally turns to leave. As she's doing so: )

**ANDREA:** Your sister?

(_Pause. Daria turns to look at her._)

**DARIA:** Yeah?

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** Redeem herself? (_Bt_) I wouldn't bet on it.

(_Pause. Daria frowns darkly._)

**DARIA:** You don't think so??

(_Pause_)

**ANDREA:** I know so.

(_She turns and walks away, leaving Daria to stand and frown after her._)

(Cut back to shot of Quinn, Jane, and the rest. Quinn's still slumped against a locker. Suddenly Jane glances at her armband watch.)

**JANE:** Whoa! Gotta go -- late for class. (reaches over and pats Quinn lightly on the arm. Quinn's so dejected, she doesn't even cringe.) I'll see ya later.

(_Quinn glances at her and nods as she leaves. Jodie then looks at her watch._)

**JODIE:** Yeah, we gotta go, too. (_Bt_) Take care of yourself, Quinn.

**MACK:** Yeah, bye. (_they wave, leave._)

(_Brittany and Kevin are left. Brittany turns to Kevin._)

**BRITTANY:** Kevvy, why don't you go on ahead? I wanna talk to Quinn alone for a minute.

(_Beat_)

**KEVIN:** (_confused_) Walk to class? By **myself**??

**BRITTANY:** Aw, you can do it, Kevvy. Remember -- we practiced the way?

(_Kevin scratches his head. Then his face brightens._)

**KEVIN:** Oh yeah!

**BRITTANY:** Now just follow **all** the markers **real** carefully.

**KEVIN:** I gotcha babe. (_he waves, leaves._)

(_Pause. Quinn looks at Brittany._)

**QUINN:** (_straining to be patient_) What d' you want, Brittany?

(Pause. Brittany stands there, twirling a lock of hair, looking like she's not sure what to say. Quinn's impatience grows -- she frowns.)

**BRITTANY:** Uhhhm...

**QUINN:** **Yes**??

(_Beat_)

**BRITTANY:** (_hesitant_) Um, Quinn... I was just thinking: now that you're no longer in the Fashion Club, you've got a lot of free time 'n stuff, don't you?

**QUINN:** (_exasperated_) Thanks for **reminding** me.

(_Beat_)

**BRITTANY:** Well... um... remember how when you first got here, you said you might join the **pep** squad??

**QUINN:** Vaguely.

**BRITTANY:** Well... so, um... how'd you like to go out for **cheerleading**??

(_Pause. Quinn looks at Brittany, stunned._)

**QUINN:** Me? (_Bt_) A **cheerleader**?? (_Bt_) But I don't know anything **about** that stuff.

**BRITTANY:** Oh that's okay. (_Bt_) I could **teach** you.

**QUINN:** But there're probably lots of girls who'd be better at it than I would. And besides -- cheerleaders **sweat**. (_shudders a little_)

(_Pause. Brittany looks disappointed._)

**BRITTANY:** Oh. Sorry you feel that way. (_Bt_) 'Cause if you **had** wanted to join, we'd've just put you on.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** You **would**?

**BRITTANY:** Yeah. I'd've **sponsored** you. And 'cause I'm head cheerleader, you wouldn't've even had to try **out**.

(Pause. She shrugs and turns to leave. Quinn's face suddenly takes on a calculating look.)

**QUINN:** (_thoughtful_) **Head** cheerleader, you say?

(_Brittany turns back to look at her._)

**BRITTANY:** Yeah.

(_Pause. Quinn's face brightens with a wicked smirk._)

**QUINN:** You know something, Brittany? I change my mind.

(_Brittany's face lights up and she clasps her hands together._)

**BRITTANY:** You **do**??

**QUINN:** Yeah. (_Bt_) I think I **will** go out for cheerleading.

(_Brittany bounces up and down._)

**BRITTANY:** Ooooh, **goody**!!! I just know all the other cheerleaders would **love** to have you on our team!

**QUINN:** And I'd love to be on it with them. (_Bt. smirk deepens._) Nothing would make me happier than to be a part of the cheerleading **family**....

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 7 (_school_)

(_Shot of the outside. Superimposed , in bold writing: One Week Later._)

**BRITTANY:** (_off screen voice-over_) Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. They gaze off screen, bewildered.)

**KEVIN:** (_off screen_) Babe! Hey, babe, what's up??

**BRITTANY:** Uuuuuuughhhhhhhh!!!

(_Daria and Jane look at each other._)

**DARIA:** Uh-oh.

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Just stand still and try to blend in with the lockers. Maybe she won't notice us.

(No such luck. Brittany heads straight for Daria, gets in her face. Kevin follows.)

**BRITTANY:** (_to Daria_) What's **up**?! What's UP?!!! Oooooooh!!! As if you didn't **know**!!!

(She says "know" with her famous squeak, so loud and piercing, it causes Daria to cringe.)

**JANE:** (_answering for her. cringing a bit, also_) Know **what**?

**BRITTANY:** (_to Daria_) I did something nice for your stupid **sister**! I let her join the cheerleading team!!!

**DARIA:** (_partially recovered_) **And**?

**BRITTANY:** And today, they held an **election** --

(_At "election," Daria cocks a wary eyelid._)

**BRITTANY:** -- an' made **her** head cheerleader! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeap!!!

(_Pause. Daria and Jane both cringe._)

**JANE:** Head cheerleader?

**DARIA:** **Quinn**??

**BRITTANY:** Yes! The little **traitor**!!! (_Bt_) Well I told them **fine**! You can **have** your new **head** cheerleader! Then I **quit**!!!

(_Pause_)

**KEVIN:** Whoa, babe.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) Yeah -- whoa. (_Bt. shakes her head_) I can't believe this.

**JANE:** (_rolling her eyes_) I guess some things never change.

(Suddenly, from off screen, Quinn appears. She's dressed in a cheerleader's uniform, wearing her glasses and a satisfied smirk.)

**QUINN:** (_to Brittany. faux consoling_) Oh **Brittany**, we wish you'd come back to the team. Cheerleading wouldn't be the **same** without you.

(_Pause. Brittany looks at Quinn. Her face crumbles._)

**BRITTANY:** Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!!! (_runs off screen_)

**KEVIN:** Baaaaaaabe! (_runs after her_)

(Pause. Quinn watches them go, shakes her head. Daria and Jane both frown at her.)

**DARIA:** (_slowly. deadpan_) So, Miss **Head** Cheerleader?

**QUINN:** (_chipper_) Yes?

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) I don't suppose before this **election**, you practiced any **back room** dealing, now, did you??

**QUINN:** **Daria**, why on **earth** would you say a thing like **that**?? (_Bt_) They **chose** me 'cause I was the best person for the job. (_Bt_) Anyway, I'd love to stay an' chat, but I have to go. Gotta find out whether Lawndale's spelled with an **I** or not... (_leaves_)

(_Pause. Daria watches her go, then slowly shakes her head._)

**DARIA:** (_to Jane. defeated_) You're right -- some things **do** never change.

(Jane nods. Daria glances away, suddenly sees something off screen. cut to her POV. We see Andrea -- she's watched this entire scene. Turns and leaves. cut to close-up of Daria. She slaps a hand to her forehead.)

**DARIA:** Oh **crap**!

**** THE END [roll the credits.........................]

COMMENTARY

Ei-yi-yi! This fanfic has broken several records. One is length -- it now usurps the throne of "The Tie That Chokes" as my longest fanfic. Another is **difficulty**... I thought "That Thing You Say" would be my all-time most challenging, but this one's just beaten it out. The reason is that this fanfic is the first where I've dealt with **parallel** plot lines, as opposed to plot/subplot. I really wanted each plot line to be fully fleshed out, yet well-integrated with the other. I think I've succeeded... I hope...

I was really happy to have the chance to write an episode where Daria hangs out with Andrea. For the past 2.5 seasons, it's bothered me to no end that neither Daria **nor** Jane has shown any interest in her. They're supposed to be drawn to the dark side, and who's darker than **Andrea**?? I could see them both thinking that she's got her own clique, and is therefore off-limits, but to show **no** interest in her? Too hard to swallow.

I conceived the plot line for this episode **before** the Columbine massacre, so that's why you'll find no probing look at Goth culture, et cetera. Frankly, I'm glad I didn't go in that direction... Goths have undeservedly gotten enough grief for Columbine. I **had** originally considered a plot line where Daria **and** Jane hang out with Andrea, and Andrea introduces them to the underground Goth society of Lawndale High, but soon dropped it because it seemed too problematic. I don't **know** anything about Goth culture, and wouldn't want to misrepresent it. Also, it's hard to know if Andrea even belongs to a "society," since we always see her alone.

The most difficult thing about writing this fic was fleshing out Andrea's character. It is **so** open to interpretation, since, as Daria said, "we know nothing about her." She could be assertive, as she was in Michelle Klein-Häss' "Clothes Make the Manson," or she could be hyper-passive, as I rendered her. I chose to make her passive because I thought it'd be cool to have Daria thrown off-guard by someone more passive and alienated than she. That's 'cause, in many ways, I agree with Andrea: Daria's not a **true** outcast. We don't see her getting shunned or taunted or abused. Her worst enemy at Lawndale High is Quinn.

The Daria/Andrea scenes were extremely difficult, because I had to figure out how to move them along without having Daria become uncharacteristically assertive. I tried to make her more forward than she would normally be, but not out of reasonable bounds.

**Now on to the other major subject in this fic:** Quinn's glasses. Yep, she's finally been outed. One thing I'd worried about before and while writing this was that I'd outed her too **soon**. It's true, I could have extended her dodge for several more episodes. But I was afraid that if I did, I'd make some stupid mistake, like have Quinn stare across an open field and see someone hundreds of yards away. I thought: better "resolve" this early than leave it 'til later. However, as you may have learned by now from reading my other fics, **nothing** is ever truly resolved. We may see Quinn wearing glasses, but that doesn't mean that she accepts them or is comfortable with herself as a "four-eyes." These issues will get looked at in my follow-up to this episode, where we'll witness Quinn's misadventures as Lawndale High's new head cheerleader.

I realize that by putting Quinn in this position, I've deviated quite a bit from the "norm," and I ought now to explain that it will remain this way for the next several episodes. Part of writing these fics, for me, is the pleasure of getting to see our fave characters in new roles... and **damn**, I think it'd be really fun to see/write Quinn as a cheerleader! Of course, I must emphasize that while deviating from the norm, I **will** work to maintain the characters' basic personalities, and that these deviations will never be so great that I can't revert things pretty much back to how they are on the show.

Now, **points of interest**...

**Sandi:** Recently I read an essay by Austin Covello which wisely pointed out that Sandi is not the great bitch we all are accustomed to think of her as. It's true: she's **not** mean to Quinn every chance she gets. Case in point: in "Depth Takes a Holiday," when Quinn's worrying about her parents having a baby, Sandi advises her not to lose sleep over it, or else it'll ruin her looks. Then, when Quinn **does** lose sleep and comes to the F.C. meeting all ragged, Sandi makes her take a "sabbatical," rather than use it as an excuse to oust her. Okay, so many (_myself included_), don't consider DTAH to be a **true** episode. But let's also recall "Quinn the Brain": there, Quinn commits some major fashion faux pas. Yet again, rather than oust her, Sandi tries to enlist Daria's help to show Quinn the error of her ways.

One thing I think we tend to forget is that if Sandi is at all "megabitchy," a lot of it has to do with her perception of Quinn as a real threat to her power. And Quinn **is** a real threat; she can be pretty conniving when she wants to be, as we've seen in this fic. She's **no** innocent victim... and in some cases, she can even be as nasty as Sandi. Case in point: in "The Daria Hunter," when Sandi's running out toward the buses at the end, Quinn just turns her back on her. **Great** friend, that girl...

Thus, you see Sandi bitchy in my fic, but that doesn't mean I think of her as a hyper-bitch. I just see her as a popular snob who's finally met her match...

**Jane and Daria's friendship:** If it seems as though I only lightly touched upon any possible tension between them, it's because I'm building up to something. It makes sense that they'd both get tired of hanging out with **just** each other after a while, and it felt good to have **Daria**, for once, make the first move to hang out with someone else.

Now... on to the **games**...........!!!

In my last postscript, I asked which of my fics had the most **made** up characters. The question's sort of tricky, since made up characters might have very small roles. Luckily, this time, C.E. Forman answered my call right away and prevented me from having to make another distressed plea for someone play the game.

He said, rightly so, that "'Shipped Out" had the most made up characters: **two**. "Rose-Colored Lenses" had one made up character -- the receptionist at the optometrist's office. "The Tie That Chokes" had one -- Joel. "That Thing You Say" also had one -- Joel. Actually, there was one other made up character in that fic -- the clerk with the one-liner at the Mall of the Millennium -- but I don't count her as a true character. "'Shipped Out" had Barry, Daria's loser suitor (_who may make a guest appearance in a future fanfic_), and Denise, Trent's girlfriend (_who probably won't_). Kudos, C.E.! And in case you're wondering, I think there's only **one** made up character in this fic: Barry again.

Now on to the new game: it finally occurred to me that the most simple and lucrative game format would be trivia questions. I've decided, for this fic and maybe the next few, to confine the questions to **one** of my past fics; originally it was going to be several, but I realized that making you hunt through all of my past fics would **not** be a good idea. So for this game, these questions will address **only** scenes from "The Tie That Chokes."

* What was Amy doing that prevented her from attending Erin's housewarming?

* What does Helen **destroy** (_in Act I_) after she gets a taste of Amy's chummy relationship with Daria?

* What's the subject of Helen's "lecture flashbacks"?

* When the Fashion Club **first** meets Amy (_**not** when they first see Quinn_), what gets them ticked off?

* What type of desert does Upchuck get a face-full of after he hits on Amy?

I would have made these multiple choice, but I was too brain-drained to come up with less-than-obvious choices. Hopefully these aren't **too** difficult. Otherwise, next time I **will** make them multiple choice...

**Acknowledgements:** Hmm, I didn't really use any outside sources, apart from the references I made to a couple of other fanfics. Who to thank??? I'd like to thank the Academy... my parents... my friends... my colleagues... you like me, you **really** like me! Okay, I'll stop. :-)

If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu.

**Bleh**, you've been an outstanding audience for sitting through this entire thing... thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 1999. All rights reserved. 


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